It was a couple of weeks ago when Paul and I were having a conversation about what we were meant to do with our life, our purpose, calling and my wrestling with my needing to find what I am meant to do at this season in my life.
I am not one who can just live life without meaning and I think that’s how I have survived my life. Finding something more out of tragic events, mistakes, injustice, wrong turns and the horrific things that I have had happen in my life and some wrong turns. I always think that God can somehow use it and use me in turn so that helps me fight off the part of me that will wallow in self-pity and become overwhelmed with despair.
So I am struggling with what I am gonna be now that I am grown up, kids all live far away and I can’t just go through a day without finding meaning or HOPE.
Paul says to me “ what if your doing what your meant to do Doris?”.
I busted into tears at the thought. Is he saying this is it? As if what I do is not important because there’s just he & I. I had a anxiety attack and in that moment just felt despair come over me.
This is it, I thought to myself, just day to day living in four walls, doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking supper, grocery store, shopping, creating journal pages, collecting junk , talking to people on Facebook and dreaming? That’s it? Really ?
Then Paul said to me and this was not the first time he said these exact words to me.
He said “ My Purpose and my calling is to love and protect you that’s what I am meant to do, and it’s a pleasure”.
My mind goes back to my journal scribble- prayer to God on a scrap piece of paper the night I sat in my car crying, alone and writing a prayer to God and begging him to sent me a Hero and a Champion- then just two days after my first meeting with Paul at the skating rink where we went as children we meet. I am sitting alone in my car crying. I write my prayer and go inside get on Facebook and shared pictures with Paul of his daughter and him that I took and the rest is a dream come true, a simple tear feeler prayer answered.
From our second date until today almost 4 years later he has continued to be my hero and champion. He rescued me & I rescued him because God knew that we were the ones who could meet the needs of the other.
A girl holding tightly to Hope Not Wasted and fighting off despair and a guy who was ready to have a someone see him for who he really was and respect him.
So my husband says I am his purpose, and I still wrestle with more…
He has a wonderful career and I follow him eagerly as we go from project to project and know that our home is where we are together and I am accepting of that and do not mind it much.
I am a tad spoiled and he says it to me all the time, his girl gets what she wants.
What does she really want is the question?
Do not get me wrong … My relationship with God is first and Paul is second and it may look like its out of order but trust me God is in my heart and he guides me daily but there are moments where I can get out of line. If my children were home they would be next and everything else after that. My children are grown and I raised them to have independent lives and they are doing what young adults do. So what’s next for me?
Dreaming with my eyes wide open and resting in the fact that if my only purpose is to love my God, love and adore my husband and Facebook with my friends, pray, encourage others as I go through life then I am just fine with that.
I still feel deep inside there’s more … She’s 46 and she believes she can share the Hope she found in her hopeless place and help someone else.
So is she a just a wife, mother, writer, artist, decorator, friend, prayer warrior, encourager, treasurer hunter, thrift shopper, and all around goof ball who’s often misunderstood and is a emotional girl and loves Jesus with her whole heart well she’s ok with it.
But I feel there’s just a lil more for me…
What about you?
What are you meant to do?
Are you feeling like there’s a dream in you?
Are you like me & wrestling with a dream that’s not clear?
In 2015 let’s be brave enough to move towards those dreams together because I think together we can see them come true!
Dreaming with my eyes wide open!
Hope in Christ and your Hope will Not be Wasted.