Monthly Archives: February 2015

1 Shade Of White – 50 shades of Grey

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She wonders why women don’t take a stand, make a point to stand up for each other more? Why is it ok to go watch a movie that is filled with abuse. Oh come on Doris are you serious it’s no different than watching what’s on tv. In the ends they get married and have two children.
Oh I see !!! If it was your 18 year old daughter who was being groomed and basically raped, controlled and hurt emotionally – oh but it’s sexy and this is Love ! Oh I see Love!! Love !!!
What’s Love got to do with 50 shades of Grey?
It was 5 years ago that I was in a similar marriage and daily mentally tortured by my husband – only married 11months when I escaped.
I paid a huge price and just talking about him and it gives me anxiety!
I am about to relocate within miles of him tomorrow.
That’s all good – side story.
One day I got a very brave email from a very close and true friend that said I can’t accept your calls anymore because your staying and you will not leave, I can’t listen to you cry one more day.
The truth in her words woke me up
& it was then that I made a plan and made a way out.
Many knew what I lived in, many said wake up and yet his control held me in fear, he tortured me and enjoyed it!
It’s been a battle to get back the Doris I used to be!

Now many of you are going to pay money to get turned on to something that was my life and erotic it was not.
Talk to a victim of domestic violence, rape or sexual abuse and ask them about pretending they are all right and the lies they tell them selves! He Loves me! It’s control… It’s so many things.
My friends watched it for free and grieved at what I was living in!

This is not to condemn or judge you but to glamorize abuse and call it a movie makes me sick and that women are getting turned on by it, call it love and pay money to go see a great love story on Valentines day. Ask my very close Friend Debbie that’s raising her grandchildren after their mother was killed two years ago by her Christian Grey, ask her if Hollies love story ended with Love or if she’s being visited in a place that her broken body is resting.

Everyday this love story is on the evening news- sexual abuse, rape, sex trafficking and domestic violence and I can’t even watch it because I suffer from PTSD and one word of this gives me anxiety and triggers my fears.

I’ve heard if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything.

What if we just thought about the bigger picture instead of wasting 2 hours getting turned on by a hidden lie that abuse is love and it’s romance.

I live romance now and it’s sexy, it’s the first time in my life I have felt safe in my entire life! I grew up in this very same life as a child same environment.

Well Doris that’s you !
Yes it is me but what if one day something happens to you that’s tragic and I make light of it?
What if I justify it by saying hey you know what, regardless of my beliefs, desire or opinion I think I will redirect my view a bit and look at a bigger picture not the desire to see man get turned on my humiliating a woman.
I was so humiliated in my life from sexual abuse as early as 3-4 years old and raped on the ground behind a skating rink and attacked by more than one person I was married to in anger that I clearly see the whole picture with open eyes… Doris you did not read the book!
Oh I tried first 6-7 chapters in 2012 to see what my married Christian friends were raving about on Facebook !
I cried the whole time reading it to Paul at night after making it through a chapter! I tore that book up and said nope I lived this I don’t need to read it…
Listen girls I love you and to not share this would just be very wrong…

If you want a real love story I am living it right now and it’s a page turner for me and Paul’s support has healed me but I still struggle with issues from
A life that few survive and he is patient and kind ….
Wipes the tears away and helps me feel safe for the first time …

Read my book “1 Shade of White”
It’s written daily on Facebook …

If you chose to go see it your free to and I still love you but please don’t stop loving me for sharing my story.

My Truth💔

Doris Lynn Humplik
Hopenotwasted

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Pray, Hope, Create

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Have you ever had a book or a movie that just spoke to you? A book that was turned into a movie would be better right!
What happens if you read the book and watch the movie then wake up one day and realize that your on a similar path as the person who wrote the book, details are not exact but yet the struggle is the same really.
For me that book/movie would be Eat, Pray, Love written by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I remember after the movie came out my friend Beth and I went to church that morning and went to lunch and to see the movie. Can I just say it was one of those moments that no doubt God was speaking to my heart that my life long search for Love was about to soon begin. Loving God & myself is where true love is found.

I had been married to a man for less than 6 months that I knew was no doubt a mistake, out of the will of God for my life and that my fear of being alone placed me with a man who would literally push me to the edge of insanity and if I did not flee, I was at risk of losing my life.

This movie became apart of my daily watch as I left and began my own little journey that I call “Pray, Hope, Create”.
In December 2010 three weeks before the first wedding anniversary I loaded my brand new 2010 Ford Escape and ironically did just that- escaped.

At this point in my life my children were grown pretty much and I don’t have family and basically it was just a part of God’s plan for my life to just be alone.
I was 42 years old, no career, no place to go and what I had was in my car or in a storage or two. I began a journey of discovering who God was really!
I had a close relationship with Him for well over 15 years and somehow I was in the wilderness and I knew He was there by me but He was silent.
I knew He was still working in my life and somehow knew it was going to be hard but I was going to need to just walk slowly in this season of my life.

I began a journey of being without a home and lived on a Hope that could only be given to me by God himself. Hope kept me alive when I wanted to curl up and die.
Hope that kept me warm in a house that someone let me stay in without heat and it was in the 20’s outside and for a Texas girl that’s cold. Oh and no television and Internet connection and limited cell coverage. I had my art, crafts, paper, pen and bible. I lasted there for a few weeks and off to my next location.
If you have seen the movie you know she goes from country to country – place to place for a little while. On a journey of self- discovery and her search for God. So I called this time in my life – my mini Eat, Pray, Love experience.
Only it was Pray, Hope and Create!

Through tear filled eyes and with a broken spirit that from a life of abuses, injustice and choices, along with the things in my life I never truly dealt with I began my journey with God and it would take me on an adventure that would lead me to having a greater relationship with Him, a freedom to leave when I wanted to leave someplace, I learned that I must love God first then truly get to know myself and like the person I am.
It’s been a interesting journey from 2009 until today but what I have learned is that there’s no other person on this earth who can truly complete you, there is no one who can fill the void in your life, who can supply your needs.
I know that I was alone, no money, no savings, no full time job, no home, no solid support (although God used many folks) I had to totally say in Prayer “Ok It’s me & You God, if you want me to make it, You have to provide.

He did just that and it was a humbling, hard, lonely adventure that I went on, but the end result was I found Hope in Christ that was undeniable and it happened over and over again.
I prayed that prayer it’s me and you God if I am gonna make it you do it, I found Hope that was so big that I began to grow a few feathers on my broken wings, I began to create the life I wanted to live by learning who I am and giving up caring what other people think and trying to please everyone at the cost of who I am.
I cried more tears than you can imagine, I looked a little crazy, thought I was going insane,I gave up control of my life, heard God clearly and learned that I can trust God to order my steps. I found true love on that very broken run way . I spent a few years Isolated,healing and regrowing my feathers. I have been running down the run way for the last year and a half getting to the edge of take off and stopping just before I take flight, it’s out of fear of falling instead of soaring. This past Monday I was doing my art bible journaling and documenting my faith and our word prompt this month is Believe and I played the song “ I believe I can fly” I cried and cried because I think that is where I am right now! Running to the edge and stopping with my fear of flying…..

How about you, do you have a fear of something?
What’s holding you back?

Ask God to help you with the fear and lets jump together and see how high we can fly!

BELIEVE

I believe I can fly !!!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

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