My whole life I have walked in defense, it comes from how my life began and it’s continued throughout my whole life. It’s something that I am aware of but often just do it without realizing it.
Last night it was a simple conversation between my husband and I that really drew attention to this issue, that I am very aware of and despise.
My need to defend myself… An exhausting and confusing struggle for me.
Paul comes out of the bathroom and says well “ Doris you didn’t do your job”. He’s said in a joking manner. The TV was on in the living room.
I was not watching tv in the living room so here goes my defense.
Without thinking I am tossed into a defensive and anxiety filled feeling inside because I actually was in there and turned off lights and he was still in the room, so I left the room and never thought another thing about it.
He jokingly says “ You didn’t do your job” I go into a defensive mode that he gets on a regular basis and I hate it. Last night he walks over to me after my little speech that I go into about how I turned off the lights and he turned off the tv I thought and blah blah. He gently grabs my face and says “ Doris how long have we been together and have I ever once put you down or criticized you? I reply with a No! I say Paul 40 plus years of needing to defend cannot be erased in 3 years. He says to me with his hands on my face, he loves me and basically that there’s nothing that I do wrong. I say “but it’s my job to take care of our home and all that goes with it”.
Paul smiles his big smile and looks at me and says “ Your only Job is to Love me”. Paul that’s just so easy to do “I got that one”.
This morning I am reminded of the defensive life I have lived and how exhausting it has been to be me. Living in defense of my own self. My every action, choice, thought or deed.
Yet when I need to defend myself I won’t. Big things in my life I don’t defend or think I deserve to be defended.
Somehow with Paul I defend the small things.
In my life I am always working hard to do the right thing, say the right thing, follow all the rules in life and that sometimes leaves me a little bit uptight in moments because I am trying to not offend and to basically be perfect and of course I completely fail at that.
In the last 5 years of my life has been a pulling away from any form of pain and that includes close relationships because when you lose everything and everyone it seems letting others in can be pretty frightening.
My relationship with Paul has been very different because with him I just trust him and I know he has nothing but pure love for me. He never expects me to do a thing but love him. That is very easy to do because he is so loving and affectionate to me, even when affection is not a comfortable thing for me. That’s another story for another day.
It’s funny when you surrender you life to God he always continues working in you if you allow him to.
I want to get this layer of defensiveness off of me. I am grateful that God brought me someone I trust to help me pull back the layers of life that has held me down and soon I will be free to fly without the chains of defensiveness.
I can’t imagine how far I will fly without my holding my own self back.
What’s holding you back from flying?
What old thing do you wrestle with that you need to unchain yourself from?
Fly free !!! I am going to let go of “Living in Defense”….
What a relief that will be …
With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love Ephesians 4:2 ESV