My life has been full of disconnections since I was born.
My first disconnect was when the doctor cut the cord between my mother and myself. The only time I was ever connected to her was in her wound. As soon as I left the safety of her body I was no longer safe with her .
She was just unable to connect to me and I am really at peace with her and the fact that she could never be my mother. I have gone my entire life without knowing what it felt like to have the love of a mother. Although my mother was in my life and around my life but she was never a mother. She just couldn’t do it and maybe it was not her fault at all. I do not blame her anymore for the disconnection, I really understand the reasons why she could not be a mother to me. Can you imagine not being able to tell time, read, write or be able to care for a baby when she needs you and she’s sick? I imagine that her low IQ and lack of common sense made it hard for her in her life.
She is still alive today and no matter how many times I have reached out to her she never responses and fears me.
Maybe because I am all she ever wanted to be and that’s not something she can handle or maybe having a child of 5 years old with the ability to read and tell time made her jealous . I never realized that jealousy was one of the reasons she hated me so. My father loved me but he loved her more and yet with all her mistakes and abuses to him he went to his grave loving her. She was simply jealous. That’s sad to me because I was just a little girl.
We disconnected and will never connect again with her. I have forgiven her many years ago …
This blog post today was not suppose to be about my mother but about connections with family.
When I start writing I have no idea what will come to my heart, so I just write and often I am surprised at what comes to the surface.
My thoughts today were on family connections.
I have been disconnected from my fathers family since he committed suicide March 16,1982 when I was 13 years old. The family is big and full of family secrets and to many reminders of things that hurt me and I never wanted to be around them because I did not want to grieve the loss of my daddy. I have over the years come around here and there but not for but a short little visit. I disconnected from them.
What I have missed out on was a connection with who I am and where I get my characteristics or where my stubborn strong will comes from.
Today I found out!
I spent the day with my dads sister and we took a little road trip and talked, driving is a great way to just have a conversation and talk without it being awkward and strained.
Today it was just me and my Aunt driving and talking about our lives, regrets, family abuses and family curses.
Those things that were passed down from one generation to another.
Our family was filled with many evil things and many things that my Aunt worked hard to keep from her children and in that drive we became two friends who were related but talking as two women who were just sharing our lives with each other.
Realizing that when we hit our 40’s we began to really figure things out.
During that drive I realized that I have made many mistakes in my life that were almost just destined to happen because it was in the family … I realized I did break many things off the generation I gave birth to.
I realized why I have fought so hard to stay away and disconnect from my family because the reminders of the abuses were there and I never felt safe at all around anyone but my Aunt Elaine and my daddy, but he was gone so I stayed away.
Today’s little trip gave me a chance to realize the bondage and torture that my aunt endured as a child and we have some of the same things happen to us. We connected today as friends and realized that we have many things in common and we understand each other. Today’s trip was a connection of two women who have endured hard lives and fought very hard to overcome our horrific childhood. Today I offered compassion and empathy into her situation which I fully understand and together she gained strength from my words and I learned who I connect to .
I learned my dads mom was a strong and stubborn woman who was looking for love and never truly found it.
She was never I connected to as a grandmother but today I see her as a woman just like me.
I connected today and realized many things about myself . Sometimes we just need the wisdom of a older woman that is our own family to help us realize ” We truly are Ok” .
I am Queen of disconnection …
I want to change that about me…
I wanna reconnect and be apart of the lives of those who I share my blood with.
I want to change the way I have been doing things.
I want to reconnect with who I really am .
Today was the first step…