We all are different and not one of us are the same and I thank God for that… Our choices, (sins), beliefs in God and for some unbelief in Him is separating us..
I believe in God … I have a personal relationship with him through Christ … That’s me… Accept me or don’t that’s between He & I. Just like I talk about the people that I have a relationship with I will talk about God !!! He is the only reason I have made it this far…
I love love love Facebook … I love my new friends, old friends and excited that connections continue to grow each day via the Internet… I really hate that we can’t all just be friends and accept each other … Love, accept and forgive each other… I dislike that we have to unfriend so we can be ourselves… That words are misunderstood, sarcasm is taken as truth…
The topics in a newsfeed sometimes frustrates me…. Guns, pictures of abuse, political bashing, racist and religious rants on marriage/ gay issues and whatever else seems to come through the feed that has a rather negative tone…
Where I am in my life is … Happy Happy Happy… I only want positive… Because I battle enough within… Life has been difficult…
I believe that our God made us all different because how boring would it be if we were all the same… All one flavor… Boring right!!! I have been a Christian since Mother’s Day 1993 and I went head first into the rules part of Christianity… Not just the big Ten God gave us… The million other rules that we Christians read in the bible and take as law and beat each other up with… Not that Gods word is not our guide .. It is !!!
In my 20 years as a follower of Christ… I have been bound in legalism and at time Pride and there has also been a bit of judgement of others…

There are times of crisis of faith when you find out who you believe in, who you can trust, who really loves you, where acceptance comes from, go through a crisis and look around..
The ones beside you may just be the one who is gay, the one woman who has been married to many times to count. It just may be a ex-drug addict that invites you to stay with him and it may be pure and not with wrong motives.. The judgement of others is painful, many times folks don’t ask what truly happened and why your where you are today … That’s my story…
I am very grateful for the painful lessons, my finding out who God really is… Finding out that the list of rules I made for myself could have kept me from True Love; if I would not have trusted God and threw the rules aside for Grace…
I have spent my life trying to please others and to be accepted.. Never realizing the acceptance that I craved was within me… I held myself to a higher standard in my head.. I beat myself up over every lil mistake… Over every thought or attitude that was wrong … Still battle it also… I am learning that Loving me is the greatest gift to myself and to the world I can give.

I am learning what Grace truly is… What Love truly is..
It’s within… Inside your heart, in your mind… You gotta love yourself before you can ever truly Love..
God calls us to Love One Another… He does not say to reject one another… But that’s what we do…
We do not believe the same so your out… That’s what we do…
No not me … I have and will always be for Love… I am gonna keep Hope in my heart and chose to believe the best in others if I can !!! I battle at times … We all do …

We can love each other, accept each other, try to understand each other with compassion and empathy…
Do unto others, Love one another, lets love like Jesus loves… I am working on loving someone who I have struggled with for 44 years… Someone who needs my compassion, forgiveness and a little more grace than I have given to her in the past… ME… Guess what I am really tired of beating her down ….

Thinking out Loud …

My life has been full of disconnections since I was born.
My first disconnect was when the doctor cut the cord between my mother and myself. The only time I was ever connected to her was in her wound. As soon as I left the safety of her body I was no longer safe with her .
She was just unable to connect to me and I am really at peace with her and the fact that she could never be my mother. I have gone my entire life without knowing what it felt like to have the love of a mother. Although my mother was in my life and around my life but she was never a mother. She just couldn’t do it and maybe it was not her fault at all. I do not blame her anymore for the disconnection, I really understand the reasons why she could not be a mother to me. Can you imagine not being able to tell time, read, write or be able to care for a baby when she needs you and she’s sick? I imagine that her low IQ and lack of common sense made it hard for her in her life.
She is still alive today and no matter how many times I have reached out to her she never responses and fears me.
Maybe because I am all she ever wanted to be and that’s not something she can handle or maybe having a child of 5 years old with the ability to read and tell time made her jealous . I never realized that jealousy was one of the reasons she hated me so. My father loved me but he loved her more and yet with all her mistakes and abuses to him he went to his grave loving her. She was simply jealous. That’s sad to me because I was just a little girl.
We disconnected and will never connect again with her. I have forgiven her many years ago …

This blog post today was not suppose to be about my mother but about connections with family.
When I start writing I have no idea what will come to my heart, so I just write and often I am surprised at what comes to the surface.

My thoughts today were on family connections.
I have been disconnected from my fathers family since he committed suicide March 16,1982 when I was 13 years old. The family is big and full of family secrets and to many reminders of things that hurt me and I never wanted to be around them because I did not want to grieve the loss of my daddy. I have over the years come around here and there but not for but a short little visit. I disconnected from them.
What I have missed out on was a connection with who I am and where I get my characteristics or where my stubborn strong will comes from.
Today I found out!

I spent the day with my dads sister and we took a little road trip and talked, driving is a great way to just have a conversation and talk without it being awkward and strained.

Today it was just me and my Aunt driving and talking about our lives, regrets, family abuses and family curses.
Those things that were passed down from one generation to another.
Our family was filled with many evil things and many things that my Aunt worked hard to keep from her children and in that drive we became two friends who were related but talking as two women who were just sharing our lives with each other.
Realizing that when we hit our 40’s we began to really figure things out.
During that drive I realized that I have made many mistakes in my life that were almost just destined to happen because it was in the family … I realized I did break many things off the generation I gave birth to.
I realized why I have fought so hard to stay away and disconnect from my family because the reminders of the abuses were there and I never felt safe at all around anyone but my Aunt Elaine and my daddy, but he was gone so I stayed away.
Today’s little trip gave me a chance to realize the bondage and torture that my aunt endured as a child and we have some of the same things happen to us. We connected today as friends and realized that we have many things in common and we understand each other. Today’s trip was a connection of two women who have endured hard lives and fought very hard to overcome our horrific childhood. Today I offered compassion and empathy into her situation which I fully understand and together she gained strength from my words and I learned who I connect to .
I learned my dads mom was a strong and stubborn woman who was looking for love and never truly found it.
She was never I connected to as a grandmother but today I see her as a woman just like me.
I connected today and realized many things about myself . Sometimes we just need the wisdom of a older woman that is our own family to help us realize ” We truly are Ok” .

I am Queen of disconnection …
I want to change that about me…
I wanna reconnect and be apart of the lives of those who I share my blood with.
I want to change the way I have been doing things.
I want to reconnect with who I really am .

Today was the first step…

Prisoners of Hope
Zechariah 9:12
Return to the stronghold, You prisoners of hope. Even today I declare That I will restore double to you.

Prisoners of Hope is a line that jumped off the page at me. I thought to myself what does this actually mean? I wonder if we Hope for something for a long time that we become a prisoner to it.
Maybe the hope of something happening is what keeps us going.
When we stop hoping for something then we fall.
What if hope rules our lives in away that all we see is hope.
Hope becomes our life.
Hope becomes our attitude.
Hope keeps us going in a situation that is hard to deal with.
Hope says it will get better.
Hope the relationship can be restored.
Hope that forgiveness will find me.
Hope that I can forgive that person one day.
Hope that when bad things happen it will work out for good.
Hope that my grief will end.
Hope that shame will leave.
Hope that redemption will come.
Hope that I can find faith.
Hope that I can Love again.
Hope that my illness will leave
Hope for healing.
Hope for a new heart & mind
Hope for a new tomorrow.
Hope this pain will end…

Hope that_____________

Never lose hope ….

Have a attitude of Hope ….
Make Hope your Stronghold ..