The Day My little Hope Was Born …

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The day Little Hope was born was September 8, 2007 in Elkton, Maryland @ approx 10:30 pm. It was 1 ½ hours before my 39th birthday.
My first grandchild was born his name is Jaxen. Hope had always been in my life but that day it was the first day I recognized a sign of Hope… It was earlier in the year that my oldest daughter texted me and let me know I was going to have a grandchild. I instantly felt he would be a bridge to a relationship with his mom that had not gone very well…
So the text message was the Hope I was thankful for this chance again to try and repair this mother-daughter relationship.

I was in the middle of a battle with depression, failing marriage, my other children were in the midst of the teenage years and I was in a place of hopelessness and here comes this new life, new chance at building a relationship with my oldest daughter that was beyond us. We spend a great time that next 7 months getting ready for Jaxen’s arrival.

She called me on the 7th and said that the doctor said come on… So I purchased a one way ticket to Delaware and the next day I arrived.
We shopped all day and that night we tried some things I read on the Internet to get the ball rolling. One of them worked or by coincidence it worked, her water broke. Off we went mom, dad and Ya Ya. I was on one side and dad on the other trying to get him here as fast as we could we pushed as hard as his mom did but he ended up coming via c-section. Secretly I wanted him to wait till my birthday.
He needed his own day 09-08-07 his special day.

Ya Ya would spend the whole next day and night with him and mom at the hospital. Ya Ya would be what he would call me.
We decided I would be Ya Ya after trying to find something different and my daughter said how about a name from the language of one of your mission trips and so we looked at two of the languages Swahli from the area in Africa that I had visited and it was “bi bi or Nyanja” and my last name was Beebe so we decided no to that one. The other was Hindu from India the last mission trip I went on but I knew that would not work- Hindu for for grandmother was “dadi” then add Ma and you have what sounds like daddyma and no to that!
We decided with my personality the Ya Ya grandmother in Greek. Ya Ya fit me perfect !!!

So 7 years ago today my little Jaxen was born and although I don’t see him much and the way the twists and turns of life and relationships often go the distance is more than just the 1400 miles between us…
I will always be connected in my heart to him and through my prayers because he was my 39th birthday present just as I was my very own grandmother’s birthday present that’s where my name Doris comes from.

Sometimes life is difficult and things don’t always turn out the way you wished and hoped but on days like today I remember that no matter what happens in life that a little part of me still lives on in him. I am proud of the little boy that he is and there’s no doubt that his parents will do a great job in raising him into a fine man.
I wished I could see his little face and have him ask me a million questions because our last visit was last year and boy he can talk and he can also drive, because I was driving him and his lil sister Penny to McDonald’s and he was saying “Ya Ya” that’s not how you get there and my mom does not drive home this way and I said well Jaxen you’re the first 5 year old to have his drivers license that I know. Miss that little guy!

Happy Birthday to Jaxen Christopher who is 7 years old today. I saw him on the day he was born and wish I could see him today but no matter the distance or time between us he’s in my heart❤️and my prayers.

Happy Birthday my little Hope💙
Love you,

Ya Ya

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Hope Deferred… Part 1

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It was 4/11/2011 I was in Canyon Lake, Texas and it was my fifth month of trying to figure out what road I was suppose to be on after making a few wrong turns.
It had been so dark on the road and I found myself lost, alone and very weary. There were moments that there were lights that shined bright enough to see down the road a little ways and this was one of those days where I could see the road ahead.

I was sitting outside and for the first time in a long time I could write again in a journal. It was page after page about Hope. It was truth, it was prophetic and I was very excited to write words again that were not filled with tears but filled with Hope.
As I wrote page after page on Hope and what Hope means I got to one page and I have no idea but I wrote the words “Hope Deferred”.
I wrote nothing else on that page flipped the page and kept writing.
I had no idea what that meant or why I wrote it.

This time in my life was the worst and the best time all combined into one. I was basically homeless and 42 years old and right where God would have me be because He was about to give me a gift and lessons that you can only receive on the wrong road.
Lose all hope and at the same time I fought as hard as I could to keep hope. I was desperate to get in my feet and desperate to not give up my life and not end it. I was so broken and only Jesus could put me back together again, trust me I worked many years trying to repair the damage done to me and by me, now with out total dependance on God I would surely die.

So a month later I am cat sitting for friends in Austin and I am spending most of my time for 10 days creating a scrapbook for my daughter for her graduation because I have little money, but I still have scrapbooking stuff and I could give her what I have to give at the moment. (This still makes me cry so hard, the greatest time in her life and I am broken and broke) Back to the story… I was alone with my friends cats, creating a scrapbook, talking on Facebook and alone. I felt like I wanted to go to church and I found one near and I went. Pulled up filled with anxiety and I walked up to the door and turned around went down the stairs and headed back towards the car, then wrestled with myself and the Holy Spirit about walking into a small church and having to talk to people. Anyway the Holy Spirit won! I went in and the pastor started preaching and I felt like I was on a Touched by an Angel episode and Roma Downy was about to walk up with Tess.
The Pastor said the word Hope Deferred and began speaking my word that just a month earlier I left blank in my journal. I had the journal with me so I wrote in the back the date 5/22/2011 I jotted my notes, wrote the story to my Facebook friends like I always did and still do and went on with my journey.

It was not until yesterday morning when I was in my quiet time preparing to do my next Art bible Journal page thar God placed on my heart Hope Defereed.
So the last two days I have written just in this subject and even had to run to Michaels for one special sticker.. This scripture is one of those that is more than a one day writing it’s maybe more …

I just wanted to tell this little story and say that if your needed a good word on Hope and how not to lose Hope it’s on it’s way and I am truly excited to actually be sitting at Jesus feet, listening, writing and creating in order to share a message of Hope.

Please don’t lose hope…
Please don’t give up…
Fight fight fight ….
I did and after so many years battling depression, oppression, guilt, shame, regret and anger at life’s injustice I can tell you that there’s Hope after it’s been Defereed … I know you want relief right now from the pain but just wait !!! It’s coming but you have to not stop fighting …
Hope does not come easy sometimes you just have to really look hard to find it …..

It’s there if you seek I promise you that !!!!

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Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? My Facebook Question & response !

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Why Does God allow Bad things to happen to Good People ?

Today I made a new friend by divine appointment and it was a random friend request and a private message thanking me and it went from a Hello to no doubt one of those rare moments you realize God has a plan for this new friendship.
Without details a hour or more of back and forth deep painful messages for my new friend who is wrestling with an overwhelming amount of grief… My new friend is angry with God and questioning why things are happening that are so tragic and why is God taking family from them and in sudden deaths happening. This person asked very good questions and my reply was can I please pray and think my responses through and see what God might speak to me tonight at church and let me ask God to help me give a simple response to some questions that I myself have asked in my painful times in my life.

Here is my response to my friend or to anyone else who might have questions to why bad things happen to good people or why people are taken from our lives suddenly?

Why did I not have one chance to say goodbye or even say hello!

Dear Brokenhearted One,

Life is hard, it’s painful, it’s tragic at times and you may feel like giving up right now because you feel like God is just out to get you or you feel like He surely hates you because people that you love tragically are stolen from your life. You are hurting so bad right now and your angry with God, and you have lost your faith, your Hope is gone and despair is the pit you are falling in right now.
If someone does not throw you a rope you will surely die in the pit of despair.

Oh friend … I know this pit well I fell in myself and never thought I would get out! It was dark, cold and very lonely. The only way I found out, was having a little bit of faith as small as a mustard seed. That faith was what shined the tiniest bit of Hope down into the pit of despair.

You asked was God out to get you ? My response is Yes he is out to get you! He wants you to trust Him with everything, the good and the bad. The joyful times and the tragic moments that come, the injustice, the anger you feel and the pain of rejection and abuse.
You have endured some great injustice, some unfair losses have happened to you.
That’s not God doing those bad things to you and He is not the Author of confusion and evil.
God is a good and Loving God who wants only good for you.

John 16:33 says You will have suffering in this world, but be courageous I have conquered the world.

God does not cause Evil and bad things there is another who is the author of that stuff.
Why does God not stop it? You asked me that my friend. The answer is free will and it goes back to the garden of Eden and all through the bible, it tells us that those not surrendered to God make wrong choices.
People who drink and drive kill innocent people, children are molested and raped by adults who chose to be evil, people cheat, lie, steal and turn angry and murder. Not one of those things are from God but often the free will choices of others hurt the innocent and it then hurts the family and people who love those who are victims… We all fall short but without Christ we will make choices that hurt others…

My friend the scripture that I know gets me through my life is Romans 8:28 and it says “ and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.

God does not cause bad things to happen but if you will commit to following Him, He will bring good from the bad.

That is the only thing that helped pull me from the pit! My Hope that Good would come from the bad…

So I placed my Hope in God and he says that Hope is not Wasted if put into Jesus!!!
Christ is the Hope that will give you the right answers to all your questions…

I do not know the why to your questions but I know the one who can give you the right response to your heart… He has done it for me !!!!

Justice will come one day for all the evil that has taken place and God will render that …
It’s just not right now.

My friend I hope this helps 🙏.

Just Trust God and be angry but not at Him!!! He is not the one who produced the evil.
Give God your lil faith and watch the healing come….

Your friend who has the same questions ….

Doris Humplik
Hopenotwasted.com

Unfolded Socks leads to tears …

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Don’t Cry Over Unfolded Socks …

Mrs.Un perfect did just that this morning, she busted into tears when Paul said I need more white socks.
Hot issue for 6:30 am in the morning and tears of course normally will follow such a harsh statement. It was surely his tone of voice or maybe it was sarcasm or maybe he was screaming and pointing at me shouting “WOMAN ME NEED SOCKS”.
I wrestle with the need to be perfect and to meet the needs of others before they need them, after all I am home all day 99.9 % of the time and there is only two of us in our home. I never leave the house most days at all, I take care of my to-do list and if I leave to go out of town to a writers conference I prepare all the clothes so he does not even have to start the washer. Then here it was No Socks on a Tuesday morning! The tears came faster than you can imagine, not the lil tears rolling down your face kinda tears it was the noisy kinda crying, like when someone really hurts you or someone passes away that you love kinda crying.
This actually came after I said you have socks they are just not in your drawer they are unfolded in the basket😥.

He’s smiling because he’s holding brown socks he wears with his brown shoes and would work just fine. No I throw my self into a crying fit because you can’t wear those with work boots!

He just let’s me cry because I think he understands that I am my own worse enemy, and in my head the fact I failed to do what I consider to be a important job actually has nothing to do with the socks.

It has everything to do with my need to be perfect and the fact that not only the scars from my life that have not healed fully but the constant attacks that come daily because I fall short according to my own expectations of myself.
It’s not the expectations of others that let me down it’s the ones I set for myself.

Coming from a life of domestic violence and emotional abuse where every flaw or need that was not met by another and was shouted loudly or the payment was ignoring you because you failed or you did not meet those often unknown expectations it leaves you with a drive inside to do things ahead of time before the words or the anger comes.
The things I learn to do in order to protect myself from the retaliation of a angry person. Old habits and thought patterns that I learned the first 42 years of my life.

Paul never raises a voice or gets upset with me, he really loves this un perfect girl. What a relief because she’s her own worst enemy sometimes.

Sometimes it just takes unfolded socks for me to realize and acknowledge that I need to let go of the need to beat the perceived anger and let it go and “Don’t Sweat the unfolded socks…

Paul said it best to me this week on our 5 Mile walk in the forest .. ” It must be exhausting to wrestle with yourself so much”. I replied with just tears in my eyes Yes it is!

He’s a pretty smart man who loves his imperfect wife, and today he’s wearing his white work socks and I feel good about that !!!!

Letting go of old patterns and old ways of living is often hard to do, but we should always be moving forward and growing in our lives and not remain stuck in the past😥 ways from our previous marriages, relationships or childhood.

What do you need to let go of today in order to move forward? What can you embrace and love about you today?

For me it is the socks were not folded in the drawer but they were clean in the basket!

For me it’s ok not to be perfect !!!!

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He was there

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When you wake up in the middle of the night and realize that He’s not right beside you…

It’s the time of the night when you would roll over & the security of his arms would hold me tightly….

Then you remember three years ago that He was not there and you were alone and you had no physical touch of another and that you actually never had this at all in your life…
There was no physical security that held you at night when you slept …
but there has been one who wrapped you in His arms …

When you were a lil scared girl when others made you fearful…..

He was there …

When you were alone in the presence of anger ….

He was there…

When your mother left you in her womb…

He was there…

When your father
took the gun and placed it to his head and pulled the trigger…

He was there…

When you the ones who took your innocent visited …
He was there…

When you were bullied daily and hit violently…

He was there…

When your last name changed three times but they were all differently the same person…

He was there….

When others surrounded you with violence and anger…

He was there…

When you ran away from everyone over and over again for 42 years…

He was there…

When you made mistakes that were intentional and those that weren’t …

He was there….

You remember being alone but always knew he was there….

You remember ….

He was there…

His arms were wide open ….
His hands wiped every tear…

You recognize Him, you remember seeing the nail scarred hands with holes that took every sin….

You remember the times of abuse and mistreatment, when others placed hands around your neck, your innocence was stolen, when you made those choices that would forever change the course of your life ….

He was there…

You remember that Three years ago you surrendered everything and you had nothing and you were homeless but Hopeful…

You looked up and he was there…
You saw him …
You knew he was the one because standing beside him was the one who was always there…

Your Hope was at last not wasted …

The Hope giver was there in every moment of your life because you remember those nail scarred hands…

You roll over and ask the one with nail scarred hands to come you closed your eyes and ….

HE WAS THERE….

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Accepting …

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Accepting …

Sometimes I wake up and realize that I am not dreaming…

This life I am living is real…

The SHAME that I have carried since I was a little girl is Gone…

The heavy Guilt is no longer weighing me down…

I am no longer the broken girl…

It’s perfectly fine for me to enjoy my life…

The regrets are gone, the sorrow has disappeared…

It’s truly ok to just live this life I have left…

I have said all the I’m sorry’s and attempted to make right the wrongs…

Forgiveness has found me in my own heart❤️

Those who need to forgive me have to find it for themselves…

I have a short time to finish the race I am set to run…

I have to run it now for myself…

Love has found me and I am accepting it for the first time in my life, it’s a pure and sweet love ❤️ and I deserve it…

Thanking God that after the hard,bumpy road I have walked barefooted; now I can enjoy my journey free of guilt …

There are people I miss… People I love that are not walking on my road anymore but I decided that spending time chasing them and begging them to love me back only hurts both of us.

I have more love in my life than I have ever known and I am accepting it …

Love truly begins inside of ourselves💗

Accepting Love is the Key to my Freedom…

God gave me the Love I needed …

I accepted…

What I am Thankful for !!!

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I am Thankful to God for:

Jesus
Forgiveness
Second, third & fourth chances…
Unconditional love
Redemption
Undeserved Mercy
Grace that abounds
The justice I never received
Provision
Those who hate me
Those who love me
My past
My present
My future
The stones that were thrown at me
The stones that were blocked
Healing
Sickness
When I am lost
My GPS – on my phone
My GPS- the word of God
Faith
Unbelief
Reconciliation
Losing things I love
Gaining more by losing

The greatest thing is Hope … Thankful in the Hope he placed in my heart… Hope that one day things would be different… Hope that if I believe in God that one day all the pain would be wiped away and the purpose would be clear…
I would see Hope placed in the right things produce more Hope… Hope will never be wasted if Hope is placed in the giver of Hope!!!!

Hope …. I am thankful for Hope…

My Hope was placed in Christ …
My Hope lead me to Paul…
The Hope I showed Paul lead him to find Hope in Christ…
Our Hope found a lost little girl who now found Hope again…
Hope is contagious …
Hope died on the cross and rose again …
Hope is alive …

Hope is not Wasted!!!

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What My Daddy Taught Me 💙

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It’s another holiday we celebrate one day a year;that I dread.
It’s the overwhelming reminder to me of what’s missing from my life. I had a father in the flesh for just 13 years of my life.
He was a good father to me and he truly loved me and gave me attention, affection and he thought I was great. He ended his life when I was 13 years old…
My memories are few actually most of them were of loud music,time we spent together at the San Jacinto Monument and at Lake Houston or the countless visits to him in the Mental Hospital.
He loved me no doubt and he taught me to get on my knees and pray the Lord’s Prayer and he would say to me many many times “Doris do unto others; as you would have them to you”. When someone would hurt my feelings, or I was being bullied and beat up by neighborhood girls on a regular basis as I waited for the school bus. He would say don’t fight them back, you have to just turn the other cheek to them, don’t treat others the way they treat you, just forgive them when they hurt you. I have done that my whole entire life. I have lived a life that would honor the man who struggled my whole life to be normal.
He was the kindest man, gentle in spirit and he was faithful to his wife and when he was in your presence, you were important. There was only a radio playing, music and words to be heard.
Although I have many great stories in just the 13 years I had him in my life there are very sad ones also. He struggled with regularly being mistreated by others in his own family and his wife.
He endured the abuse and anger from a brother who had demons and they often came out towards him. I can’t tell you the countless times I was in a room when my fathers brother would attack my father, screaming shouting and throwing things at him and I was 3-4 years old and I even became a victim of a argument between them. I was sleeping on the couch and my uncle threw a glass ketchup bottle at my father and at that very moment that I woke up, sat up that the bottle and my little head collided and the glass bottle hit my little head and broke.
What happened? My dad turned the other cheek and extended forgiveness to his brother. Do unto others Little Doris.

This man endured any years of violence from the brother he was the closest to, I remember being around 3-4 years old same time frame and I was sitting in the front seat with my daddy and this same angry uncle climbed on the hood of our car and busted the windshield out with both of his fists. What did my father do? Turned the other cheek replaced another windshield that this same uncle had shattered a short time before.
My father was a man who endured great torment in his life by people he loved and dealt with great betrayal in his life. He always forgave them. He was in my eyes a man of great strength even though to many he was weak. He loved one woman and accepted her betrayal, unfaithfulness, her mental disability and rejection of him.
My father was creative and funny… He always had a cigarette in his hand and a coffee cup in the other. He loved working with his hands and playing music loud.

He battled schizophrenia for most of my childhood, and I went to live with my mothers parents at 8 years old, they gained full custody of me. . The funny thing was my parents grew up on the same street and the rest of my family lived on the next street over so I was walking distance from everyone. It was around 10 years old when my father was very sick and my grandmother would forbid me from seeing my dad because of his mental illness. It’s then that I began sneaking to see my father. I loved him and accepted him I needed him in my life and I was not going to be stopped from being with him.
He would never hurt me… He loved me… I was his girl…

The day my father took the gun and placed it to his head and shot himself and ended his life was the day Love died for me. I would never again feel the Love of a father nor would I ever truly experience it again until The day I met my Heavenly Father…

I was lost and needed love that would fill me up my empty heart.
In 1993 when I surrendered my heart to Jesus and accepted him as my savior, that’s when I really began to understand what love really is.
It has not been an instant kinda understanding but a journey in accepting love and understanding the difference between authentic love and the thing that masquerades as love.
Understanding what love truly is and figuring out that love is not a feeling.
Love Commits….
Love is patient…
Love is Kind…
Love is Present…
Love is Words…
Love Listens…
Love Forgives…
Love Remembers you…

Love is helping someone clean the broken bottle up and wipe the blood off your 3 year old head and saying I am sorry that happened to you.
Love is the strength in a struggle but never losing hope that things will change for the better.
Love is when others are hurting and mistreating you and even rejecting you; you turn the other cheek.
My daddy was so much like Jesus that it’s amazing. They both were misunderstood, rejected and forgave freely and never sought revenge. They took the ridicule with a grain of salt and turned the other cheek.

This Father’s Day I will not celebrate with my daddy because
his life ended way to soon.
In those few years I had with him I was given love and someone I can look back at his life and say that’s truly why I am the way I am and no longer be ashamed of being a non-confrontational type of person, forgiving and compassionate to others who gets up after she’s been knocked down. He was a great father and even with all he had to endure in his 33 years on earth he lived his life with a heart like Jesus.
He always treated others how he wanted to be treated, turned the other cheek when someone attacked him and never speaking a evil word towards anyone. He forgave everyone freely and forgot the wrongs done against him.

He reminds me of someone else who did the same thing and was often misunderstood and He lived a life of purity, compassion and treating others as He wanted to be treated never speaking evil and died at the young age of 33. They both were tortured and beaten down mentally and physically, they did not die the same way but they both spoke to my heart the same message …. Doris Forgive them they know not what they do.

My father taught me to live my life just like Jesus did…
My Jesus teaches me to live my life just like my daddy did.

Interesting to me is that my wedding song chosen by my husband just 8 months ago was “Loves me Like Jesus does”.

I know without a doubt that my husband is a gift to me from heaven above… He treats me just like My daddy did and just how Jesus does because He’s not Dead….

Today I am thankful to have Love in my life…

The Love that I receive from Jesus…
The memory of the love of my daddy….
The present Love of my husband Paul…

Today I will not be sad at what’s missing but be grateful 🙏 for who is present❤️.

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Friends that last for the whole book …

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Friends that last for the whole book …

Friendships are so important…
It’s often strange when friendships change all of a sudden for no reason… One day your talking and interacting then all of a sudden they just fade away and your left wondering why?
Was it just a surface kinda friendship?
There was a purpose but you may never really know why it was a short lived kinda friendship.

Then there are the friendships that are deep and through the years you have endured hard things and you maybe not see each other but once a year but you pick up the phone and they just know you, Get you and Love you. They can freely speak into your life words that you know are what you need to hear and your hearts are in tune…
They know your history, the present and they see the future with you.

I am grateful for my friends…
I am one lucky girl who has the greatest friends in the world even if we never see each other face to face but our hearts are knit together and bound in the Love for each other…

Sometimes people are just not meant to be in the whole book. They are meant to just be a page or a paragraph and a few are just a sentence.

Tonight I pray for my friends; the ones who have stayed and the ones who disappeared…

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