Somedays I am just a mess…
There are days and times I just cry and have no idea why; but the tears stream out of my eyes and pour down my face.
Not everything in my life is perfect and the lie we often tell ourselves is that if everything was perfect that we would be content. The truth is we must learn to be content when things are going wrong. I am content with my life even if I have broken relationships and sometimes have anxiety that appears out of nowhere and it leaves me feeling out of control.
I am 46 years old and I feel like I am an 18 year old girl trying to figure out what she’s is gonna be when she grows up. I have always loved being a homemaker and creating, decorating and organizing my space. I guess it comes from what I didn’t have as a child and what I wanted and part of that was the poor little girl who lived in a house that was filled with four smokers and the less than clean condition of my home. The roaches that crawled everywhere and rats that were a constant issue. I can hear the song “Fancy” in my head right now… As a roach crawled across the toe of my high heeled shoe🎶. That’s my story …. In a different version but sorta the same.
As a child my home was full of constant bickering, fighting, anger, abuse and often the adults around me were fighting over me. My grandparents and my parents would scream about a little girl who sat on her the green vinyl green couch and pulled on the duct tape that covered a hole. When conflict comes in my life I instantly go right back to that little girl and my insides are full of fear and I shake.
In my life I have at all costs avoided conflict and often took less than I deserve to avoid it, because there was just to much in my life as a child and in order for me to survive this world I cope by running away from conflict and I just can’t hardly stand hurting anyone, even if they deserve it. My next thought was “no one deserves to be hurt” see in my head there’s always a defense for everyone else but never myself. No wonder I cry suddenly because I am so tired of battling my own self in my mind that I am just plain tired.
For 3 years ago just 4 days before my first date with Paul and the very day we first sent a message on Facebook after our reunion, I sat in my car because the electricity was out where I was staying and it was August 14, 2011 and it was hot in a upstairs apt so I sat in my car with the air on and with tears in my eyes, I grabbed a flyer and wrote a prayer to God and asked him to send me a Hero, a Champion someone who could unlock my heart and help me feel love.
That night we sent our first message and 4 days later went on our first date then the rest is history and “Team Possible” began a new life together.
My husband listened to me, heard me and has done everything in his power to keep me safe from conflict and confusion. He is content to just love me and He says he feels like his calling in life and the purpose and plan God has for him is to Love Me. ❤️
I really feel blessed and Thankful after all my mishaps, mistakes and 3 prior marriages that ended in divorce and the pain I caused my three children in life, even though it was not intentional. I know I caused pain and I reap daily what I have sown good and bad in my life.
I am constantly amazed at the Mercy and Grace of God to me. He truly does give you the desires of your heart because He knows our hearts and knows our messy stories.
He gives us Hope in the dark times of our life and when we cry for no reason if we just ask him he will speak to us and comfort us as we cry.
Today I just put my fingers to the keyboard and see what comes out and today it’s a messy little bit of my life, painted with my tears and the overflow of a grateful heart.
God does allow U-turns and He will give you a peace even if everything is not perfect in your life. God’s Love is perfect but you just have to accept it and let Him in your heart.
Hope is never wasted if you place your Hope in God and your life is not wasted even if you made a wrong turn.
Doris Lynn Humplik – Hope Not Wasted